I Cry on Airplanes

I realized this on my flight to Texas last year. I had a window seat and we were about to takeoff. I stared out the window, at nothing in particular, and said my usual prayer of protection. It wasn’t long before tears flowed down my face. It was familiar, but I hadn’t given it much attention previously. This time, however, I “noticed” it. I tuned in to what I was feeling and questioned why it started happening every time I flew lately. Then I remembered. I’ve been crying on planes since August 2022.

My mind reflected on a conversation I’d had with a cousin before one of my flights back to California last year. She said, “this plane ride is going to feel different when you leave this time.” My siblings and I had just lost our mother. It was rather unexpected given the circumstances and timeframe. This was my first flight back to California knowing the next time I returned to Chicago it would be for her funeral. I cried. Possibly, throughout the flight intermittently. I played this one song over and over and over again.

And I cried.

In the past, I’ve felt like I heard the Lord more clearly on planes. What I hadn’t considered but now do is, I also hear myself more clearly. Somehow, being in the sky connects me to me. Even if that part of me had been suppressed. When the tears started rolling and I started thinking about the hurt, I reflected on every trip back home to California after a visit with my mother was filled with tears. I traveled to Chicago every three weeks for her appointments and to help care for her. And every Sunday or Monday when that plane took off, I cried.

Crying is my exhale. It is how I breathe sometimes. And I give myself permission to breathe, however, whenever. I am grieving. And the emotions come all at once or numbs me out. So when I cry on the plane…I am feeling…what I need to...when I need to. I imagine my trips from California to Chicago will be different for me for a while. I also imagine I will cry on the plane no matter where I am going…until I don’t.